


everythings alright.

by sugahina



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A Vent Fic, Again, Anxiety, Felix is sad, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, OT9 - Freeform, Other, References to Depression, Self Harm, Trigger Warning!, dont read if it’s triggering!, like really sad, lowkey this is a vent fic, mentions of - Freeform, sad!felix, stray kids - Freeform, this has been in my drafts forever, this is mainly platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-17 08:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16092317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugahina/pseuds/sugahina
Summary: It was a constant battle with himself, and it felt like he was losing.





	everythings alright.

Constant reminders of Felix’s failures flow through his twitter timeline. While he was strolling on his twitter Felix felt a hand on the leg he was nervously shaking. He looked up and saw Changbin who gave him a quick squeeze and a smile that said “ _ Hey, it’ll be okay _ ” without actually saying it.

**.** **.** **.**

_ I need to please them. I need to make them proud. I’m failing them. I’m failing myself. _

If these voices didn’t stop, Felix was sure he was about to go crazy. Maybe sitting in his room alone at 11 pm wasn’t helping, but it’s what he needed. He needed to be away from everyone, he needed room for his thoughts to roam free--okay maybe not for too long. 

The rest of the members were out for dinner, which Felix excused himself from by saying  _ “I kind of want to call my parents, haven’t talked to them in a while _ ”. In reality, Felix wanted to be alone because he was feeling like he was crawling inside his own skin. He can’t call his parents yet, not until he’s sure he can make them proud.

He’s been feeling even more disconnected then usual. Felix is here physically, but not mentally. His mind feels both foggy and empty, but he also constantly feels like a bundle of nerves he had no control over. The numbness was just the cherry on top. 

While in the practice room, his mind kept replying the same thoughts. 

_ “Everyone here is so talented.”  _ His subconscious would say.

_ “They’re all so talented, I bet I’m holding them back.” _

_ “I can’t even speak Korean, let alone rap in it.” _

_ “I don’t deserve to be in this group, I don’t deserve to-” _ His thoughts were cut off with Chan yelling his name across the room, and all eyes were on him. 

“Oh, sorry, what did you say?” Felix said as his face turned red in embarrassment as Jisung and Minho snickered in the background.

“We’re about to rehearse verse one and two again.” Chan replied while walking to the speakers, “Everyone get in formation!”

_ “I really am holding everyone back.”  _ Felix said to himself. He was smiling, he was laughing, yet internally he felt like he was about to break at any minute.

**.** **.** **.**

 

The eight other member went out to the movies the night Felix relapsed. He missed the feeling of a sharp object breaking skin because it felt like it was the only thing he could control. Three years of being self-harm free went down the drain in one night. He really didn’t want to, but he also really did. How crazy does that sound? He felt so broken, why was he still suffering? Why can’t he be normal? Mood disorders shouldn’t last for 5 or more years, well that’s what his Psychology book said at least, why isn’t he better?  Everything hurt so much. Felix has been getting constant headaches, but at least it gave him a reason to isolate in his dorm. Emotionally everything hurt too. Everything felt so dull and unreal, he constantly feels homesick but right now Felix doesn’t even know where home is. He misses feeling present, he misses _feeling_ something, which explains why right now he’s hidden in the bathroom with a razor in his hand and blood dripping from his wrist. 

“Maybe I’d be better off dead, I’m just a human error.” Felix mumbled to himself while he was washing up the bloody mess he left in the bathroom. “That’s all I’ll ever be, that’s all everyone will see me as.”

Everyday felt harder and longer. He wasn’t sleeping or eating, but it’s not like he wants it to be like that. His mind keeps racing and whenever he tries to sleep he is left with unwanted thoughts and nightmares that just never happen to leave. Every food begins to look, and even taste, nauseating. Though when he does eat, the guilt begins to eat him up and fills up his hunger for days. _ “That was way too many calories.” _

_ “How could I eat this?” _

It was a constant battle with himself, and it felt like he was losing. 

The members have noticed his change too, after a month. It took awhile, but they still noticed. They noticed how much weight Felix has lost, how drained he looks, the dark bags under his eyes, the constant need to wear long sleeves. Felix couldn’t be that stupid, could he? Chan has tried to talk to Felix about his well being, but all he did was sigh and reply with a straining smiling, using saying “It’s okay, I’ll be okay. I’ll be better.” Felix wasn’t only trying to convince Chan, but himself too. 

**.** **.** **.**

Felix hasn’t felt this depressed for a while. He hasn’t self harmed since his relapse, mainly because he hates the guilt feeling whenever he stares at his wrist. He hates the fact he now has to make sure no one notices, he hates how he has to now consciously make sure he was hiding it behind a band-aid. He felt so guilty because he is constantly lying to his members, he just constantly felt guilty.  _ “This is all my fault, why am I being so selfish.” _

 

“Felix, what happened to your wrist?” Jisung asked while all the members were sitting at the dinner table and suddenly all eyes were on him again.

“Oh, haha. I just sprained it! No big deal!” Felix responded, laughing it off. Maybe this will keep them from worrying. He can’t let them worry, not when their debut is soon. Oh god, his debut. What is he going to do to hide them? His thoughts were immediately cut off with Changbin calling his name.

“Lix, you okay?” Changbin asked with a gentle voice, “Yea.” Felix replied getting up while forcing a smile,”I’m perfectly fine, now if you excuse me, I think I’m going to hit the showers first.”

“Felix, your dinn-” Jeongin said being getting cut off by the bathroom door slamming, “oh, okay.”

Felix couldn’t breathe, he felt like he was about to throw up.  _ Why is everything so loud, why is my brain running 80 miles per hour, what if they find out, what if they know, why can’t I just be normal why can’t I actually live like a normal-.  _ “Felix?” a voice whispered outside the bathroom door, “It’s Woojin….do you want to talk?” 

“Ah! No it’s okay! Just about to shower!” Felix responded with a small laugh, that should calm his nerves. “Don’t worry about me! I’ll be fine!”

“Lix it’s okay if you-” 

“I said I’m fine!” Felix yelled through the door.  _ I will be fine, I have to be fine _ . 

“Felix what the fuck was that. Do you anything about fucking respect?”  Minho yelled through the door. “ _ Great, I started another fight. _ ” Felix thought as he slid down the door, and just sat there. Before he knew it everyone was screaming at one another, which felt all to familiar to him.

The room felt like it was closing in on him, so he did the only thing he thought of doing, he ran. The slid his way past the members and ignored their yells for him. He can’t handle it, not now. Not ever.  _ Am I even cut out for this idol life?  _ The further Felix ran, the more lost he felt. 

He didn’t even notice Seungmin running up behind him when he stopped by a lightpost to take a quick breather. 

“Fucking whore who knew you were so fucking athletic, oh my god.” Seungmin said out of breath, “Oh sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He said after he saw Felix jump a bit. 

“How, um why, is it just you?” Felix said checking his surrounding to see if any other member decided to pop out. As a force of habit he started picking at his scabs in order to calm his nerves.  _ God I wish how I had a fidget with me right now. _

“When you ran out those dumbasses just stood frozen, so I decided to run after you.” After getting his breathe, Seungmin guided Felix to a nearby park and sat down on a bench. After a moment of silence, Seungmin finally spoke up. “….Lixie, what’s going on? You’ve been so distant from us, for the past month, maybe even-”

“I’m fine! Perfectly fine! Peachy! Just a bad day!” Felix said a little too enthusiastically, which is it even more unbelievable, but he didn’t want to push it and push Felix even further away. So he just grabbed his hand and rubbed circles around his thumb. Felix didn’t need Seungmin to say anything, he knew what it meant, and he leaned closer to Seungmin to show that he’s grateful.  _ I’m here for you _ , Seungmin’s actions said.

**.** **.** **.**

“Hey Lix! We’re going out for dinner!’ Jisung yelled into their shared room.

_ “ _ Ah! I’m not really feeling well, maybe next time. Go on without me!” Felix replied, still not moving from his bed. “I wonder where all his energy went...” Jisung thought to himself as he closed the door after replying with a small, “oh okay…. Feel better!”

_ Why does it feel like my own body and mind are going against me _ , Felix thought. While weeks past since his talk (okay let’s be real, Seungmin did most of the talking), nothing changed. But everything felt like a chore. Life felt more like an obligation. Anxiety attack, after anxiety attack, is that all he was? Before he knew it, he couldn’t breathe. He started struggling for air and he was sure he was going to die. He was going to die right then and there home alone, oh wow how fun.

But Felix didn’t know that Jisung stayed home with him, which is why he started panicking even more when he saw Jisung walk in with a panic look in his eyes.  _ No, no, no, no he can’t see me like this. _

“Hey Lix, Lixie. Look at me.” Jisung said with a gentle tone, holding out to reach for the smaller boy. “Hey. I’m here, I’m here to help, okay? Now breathe with me, okay? In for three…hold in for three....good job lix come on, you got this….exhale for three. Alright, let’s try that again, yeah?”  

After awhile of doing breathing exercises with Jisung. He felt, defeated.“Sungie....” He said while crying into his best friends chest. “I’m really not okay.”

“That’s okay...we’re here to help you feel okay. We’ll help you feel okay again. Okay, Lix?”

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> sugahina write something not sad challenge: FAILED.
> 
> i hoped you enjoyed this! I would appreciate comments and/or kudos uwu.


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